So if you've been reading this blog, you know that last fall, in October, my bff Nina had me out to her home along with a couple of women I hadn't met before. One was a wounded bird that I took an immediate liking to, the other a Quaker lady who Nina thought I might not mesh with. As it turned out, we all got along famously and had such fun. We laughed and cooked and walked beaches and just had great girl fun. Here's the perspective part. One of the girls has just discovered that she might/probably has terminal pancreatic and liver cancer. You know, just when you think life has handed you some shit, you get a reminder that someone else is fighting a harder battle. And this is one that I don't know how to handle. What does one say to a friend of distance who is going to row through a river of hell to find peace? I really would like to talk to her - but again, what do I say?
We all have our crosses to bear, but the diagnosis and the accompanying struggles to find some sort of plan and some sort of peace must be mind boggling. I am such a coward, if/when I get that diagnosis (and mine will likely be Alzheimer's) what does a girl do? The coward part of me says that I don't want any pain for me or my family. No tubes. No respirators. No surgeries that will only prolong things. Give me medical marijuana. Morphine, and the button needs to be in my hand please. For the record, as I haven't gotten around to making a will, I'd like Michala to take care of Butterball. I'd like to be creamated and scattered on a beach under a full moon. If there is any money to be had, please let it go to Tom and his family. Talk to George Doherty of ING. Cripes, this is almost enough for me to remember that I'm a primary careviver to my terminal Alzheimer's mommo and that's going to be a rough journey for her and for all of us as well.
OK time to put this to bed. I need to try to gain some perspective and try to find a way to talk with Carole about the mountains she has to climb. With luck, I can help. Love you all.
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Kathy,
ReplyDeleteI guess when you get to be our age (and this is a term I use loosely since I know that I am quite a few years older than you :), you begin to realize that so much more is behind us than ahead. God always seems to place the people in your life whom you need - eases those rough patches on our path and somehow gives us a way through.
About 23 or 24 years ago, a young woman I knew from church found out that her breast cancer had metastasized. Her prognosis was poor...but it was then that God decided we would become very good friends - as close as sisters. From the time that she told me her diagnosis as she came into church one morning, until several months later when we knew that God was calling her to Him, we took the path He led us on...to Roswell Park for her chemo or appts at the various clinics, quiet chats and prayer when she was eventually confined to her home, and finally, the good bye words I knew we were saying to each other just a day before she passed away. As believers, we both knew that there would be a reunion one day and indeed there will be.
It SEEMS more difficult to help someone from a distance, doesn't it? I mean you are able to be a constant help to your mom. Not so easy to know a friend is ill and you can't bring over a bouquet of flowers, or a yummy casserole, or an in person hug. I can tell you for sure - without a doubt, Kathy - that anything you offer Carole, especially if it is a caring ear and a shoulder to lean on (yes, even from a distance), you will be helping her as she climbs the mountains...or walks through the valleys...climbing and walking with her.
I remember one of your recent posts, and how you mentioned that if we had advice for you, we were free to give it....but that we are not walking in the shoes you and your mom wear. And so I won't give you advice, but instead will make you a promise....call Carole and she will be the first to let you know that your call means so much - it's that you haven't forgotten her even though you spent only those few days with her in October at Nina's.
Help? You care, Kathy...that you are willing to pick up the phone and let her know that you care and want to help...THIS is the help she needs right now. To know that the journey she begins is not one she faces alone.
And remember, that people important to you are important to your friends(that's us). You have friends out here who will pray for her, for those who love her~and for YOU as you take care of your mom while still trying to help a friend through her journey as well.
I hope this doesn't sound like advice, it's not meant to. But I hope it lessens the "garbage" part of things for you.
Many hugs, and love, and prayers.
Sue
Sue wrote a most beautiful, positive, and lengthy response. I'm going to take the short road on this one, but very much to the point....DON'T WAIT. Decide quickly, and do it. I had a friend, not one year ago, who was diagnosed with 3 types of cancer racing through her body. They gave her 6-9 months to live. I hadn't seen her in years. When I received the news, I emailed her, asked if I could see her. She said yes, and left it up to me, when I wanted to come. You KNOW how busy life is. We try to prioritize, but don't always get it right. Well, before I was able to go and see her, she died. This was a mere 6 WEEKS after I got the word about her. I thought I had lots of time. And like you, I had NO idea what I was going to say to her, none. To this day, I still carry this horrible guilt for not making it there to see her one last time. I went to the wake, and to the funeral, but it didn't help me at all. So I'm going to give you some advice, as it isn't about your mom...........make a decision soon, and act on it quickly, before it's too late. Hugs Kath.
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