After a day or so, the water in the barrel went down. I went this afternoon to spend time with her, and immediately upon entry to her house, I was led to the bathroom for a serious discussion. It seems that "those guys out back" had stolen the spindle that holds her toilet paper to the wall. NOW WHAT WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO????????? Those Goddam guys anway. After entering the kitchen, I saw that Brother Tom had left me a note, which to my dismay had me rolling on the floor. Of COURSE it was me who had stolen that spindle! I'm so clueless about how to handle these things. I always reassure her that I know how concerned she is about her safety and about "those guys out back". I always offer to move in with her and stay. I often suggest that if her fears get worse she can always opt to move to another location. But all of these suggestions are still met with negative responses. I think this winter is going to precipitate some drastic changes, whether she and I like them or not. It's hard for me to wish for an "event", but I do anyway. A bout with some sort of sickness, or a trip on the stairs, something to transition her into a care facility, which will take the pressure off of her and off us. I guilt sometimes in the middle of the night about these things. We all know how this is going to end, and it won't be a good end. Eventually, she is going to forget more and more, even to the point of not knowing how to swallow or eat or get to the bathroom. It is taking a toll on my brother Tom and on me. I am sometimes filled with resentment that so many of mom's good friends have simply written her off or don't find time in their busy schedules to spend an hour a week with her. Something to break up the monotony of her counting the hours in her day.
I'm not very good at being maudlin, but I'm pretty good at knowing what's coming down the road. Another few Christmases, and that's it. My retirement now isn't what it's going to be after that. I want palm trees and a Harley and some fun and excitement, I would love to wade out knee deep to catch my lunch. Before I forget why I waded out knee deep in the first place . . . more later of course!
Kathy,
ReplyDeleteDon't guilt. One of the hardest parts, or maybe THE hardest part of Alzheimer's disease is that we know that things will digress. With many other diseases, there is hope of a cure. AD doesn't seem to hold that hope. At least not what we hear from the medical and scientific community.
Not to give you pious platitudes, or to preach but AD is a mysterious disease. Between not knowing what really causes it, to how the disease is going to progress...which makes it a mystery especially to those who care for a loved one with AD because it's unique for each patient. We do know that this disease takes them from us twice - and both times are heartbreaking. But sometimes, we just want to see the one we love at rest. It's a hard thing to think, but seeing your mom like this and knowing it will be worse isn't easy.
It's important that you and your brothers find someone who can step in once in awhile to help with your mom's care - so that you and Tom can take some time away and get the rest YOU need. And it's important for your mom to know that there can be new friends out there for her - who can help her even if the old friends don't come by anymore. If there are going to be barrel rides, they can't all be taken by you and your brothers.
Meanwhile, and this might sometimes be small comfort when you are trying to travel the path, remember that you do not travel it alone. I will keep you in my prayers...not that my prayers are so great, but God's answers are always assured, in His own time and with His perfect will.
Hugs my friend,
Sue