Well, it's been a month since my last post, and for good reason. This has been the longest coldest most frustrating winter for me and my mom and my brother Tom that we have ever known. I am just now beginning to see some light at the end of my tunnel. I noted something green trying to grow at the side of my house yesterday. Weeds, no doubt, but I'll take any sign of spring I can get.
Lately, I've been evaluating some things and trying to make sense of my thoughts on them. Mom, demented though she is, is still so independent and so insistent on staying in her home, that the thought of moving her or moving in with her puts everyone into a stressful tailspin. So, on the one hand is her happiness - letting her stay alone in her house as she so badly wants - versus me moving in or moving her to a facility - which would mean what? She would become upset, unhappy, angry, frustrated, and likely die in 6 months. At this point in time, I've decided to relax into the situation and let things be. If she should fall or become ill, as will eventually happen, then that event will lead us into a facility. If not, she stays happy in her home.
Of course, none of this negates the fact that I need to spend a bunch of time with her every day. And it's mostly good time, though sometimes makes for a long day for me. Today, I was there at 10 a.m. We had a pill and a cup of tea. My tea was made in a clear cup, and she commented that it looked more like pee than tea. And that set off a case of the giggles that lasted for most of an hour. "Shut up and drink your pee!"
After we finished our pee, I got her to succumb to washing her hair in the sink. We then moved to the bathroom for what has become known to me as the "top and tail" cleaning. I turn on the little heater, and bring in a clean bra and clean shirt. She will take off the old ones and wash with a warm washcloth and will put deodorant on. Then I help her get the top dressed. Then I stand her up and she sheds jeans and underpants. Today, as she handed me her panties, she looked me straight in the eye and said, "You might just want to burn these." Then we both laughed hard. She can still get onto the toilet herself, but I think the skill of wiping has gone south. Not that big a deal as far as I'm concerned. It took me a couple of times just to figure out that I needed to start the process on top and finish on the bottom so she wasn't washing her face with the same cloth she used on her hoo hoo.
So, the fact that I've come to terms with some of these things has made for a better day for me and for her, and a good sleep and a good conscience too. Everything is as it should be today.
Thanks for all your support, friends, and you know who you are. Offer me advice if you like, but remember that you aren't walking in Shirley's shoes today. Or mine either.
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Ohhhhh, I wouldn't begin to offer you advice for this! I am much too smart to do that :). God Bless you Kathy, and all that you do. I TRY to see myself in your situation, if it was my mother, as I am the only daughter. And I just can't see me doing what you do, having the patience that you do it with. I suppose, when push comes to shove, most people will do what they must, but it can't be easy on you, or your brother, or your mother. You are ALWAYS in my thoughts, and in my prayers. You are an awesome woman, and an outstanding daughter.
ReplyDeleteKathy,
ReplyDeleteAdvice. Ummmm, no, I DON'T think so. I have been in your shoes, my mom in Shirley's shoes, and they were horrible to wear. Each family goes through it's own personal loss (twice) when someone they love has AD. And while back seat driver advice might seem natural to some-even from those who have walked in the shoes-you and Tom are the ones walking through this with your mom. But Kathy, you still can give her laughter and she feels your love.
Sandy's words were perfect. You ARE awesome and your mom is blessed to have you. Not every AD patient has this. And you will never regret even one day of caring for her. This part of the walking in your shoes I understand. I hope this doesn't sound like advice-it is truly meant as encouragement.
Thoughts and prayers and many hugs that I wish I could offer in person.
Sue